Troll Guide

TrollHunter’s Feeld Guiyd tu ICHC Trolls 1.0

trollus artificius, aka the “photoshopped” troll
Recognaizd bai the short and repetitive crai uv, “Photoshopped!”

trollus custodius, aka the caretroll
Reddily aidentifaid bai skreems uv, “Don’t do dis wif yor poor kitty!” Awften berry self-rychus, convinsed that cheezpeeps whu faind the lol amewsing aer being krewl and the fotografur waz abewsive. May attempt tu inkrees perseevd status wif klaims uv profeshunal eggspurtees.

trollus fatuus, aka the “you talk stupid” troll
This speeshees displayz the typikal troll lak uv mental fleksibilitee and limited sens uv hyoomur kwait cleerlee. T. fatuus, being unabul tu unnerstand lolspeak oar the wit rekwired fur it, labuls it az childish, stupid, a sine uv illiterasee, and similar. Can be recognaizd bai crais uv, “Yew tawkz beh-beh tawk; gidda reel lief!” and variashuns thereuv.

trollus libertas, aka the freespeech troll
Can be fownd insisting awn freedum uv teh speeking dere mind, but ur pinyun not be nesissairee. Plz tu taek note uv teh commun beeleef in this speeshees that “freedum uv speeking” applais awnlee tu teh t. libertas.

trollus nihilectus, aka the “neber reeds commints” troll oar “drive-by” troll
Reddily aidentifaid, this be the “Ebberybuddee alreddee sedded it 10 timex but I’m not gunna reed ennyfing but I’ll post it wun moar time!” troll, pawsiblee the most commun speeshees.

trollus notafelis, aka the “nawt a lolcat” troll
May be fownd complayning, sumtiems wif profanitee, abaout lols that portray aminlols uvver than cats. This speeshees haz an inabilutee tu reed the taglyne “Lolcats n Funny Pictures”.

trollus pontificatus, aka the polly tikul oar relijus troll
Can be aidentifaid despite the varaitee uv crais, which oftun can be translayted tu, “I hatez yor polittical [oar relijus] vyewz an I despizes yor wai ov puttin things!” This speeshees freekwentlee inflikts vyews uv polly ticks oar relijun awn uvvers, stating oar implai-ing that no wun wif intellijunce cud haold an oppozing vyew.

trollus precognius, aka the “seen it alreddy” troll
Recognaized bai the crai uv, “I sawr dis pishoor befoar (inna WalMart/kard shop, on dis site, etc. etc.)” oar variants such az “Re-run!”

trollus primus, aka the “first!” troll
Recognaizd bai the short, repetitive and oftun inakurat crai uv, “First!” awn a new thread.

trollus rongnomus, aka the identification troll
Wun uv tu speeshees noted fur an eggsessivlee litteral mentalitee, combained wif the limited sense uf hyoomur and mental rigiditee uv the troll genus. Wun uv the most commun speeshees. Aidentifaid bai crais uv, “Wai ar yoo cawling tehm ‘sumthing’ wen tehy ar cleerlee ‘sumthing else'” Oftun crossbreeds wif t. nihilectus, and oftun travels in larj groops.

trollus splenocopia, aka the spiteful troll
This speeshees haz tu subspeeshees, but bof can be aidentifaid bai the draiv tu belittul uvvers and yoos the raytings tu du sew.
trollus splenocopia reductio, aka the “poynts taken away” troll, pawsiblee eggstinkt
trollus splenocopia minimus, aka the “wun burger” troll, pawsiblee eggstinkt

trollus tedius, aka the “nawt funny” troll
Recognaized bai inabilitee tu see hyoomur in lols and a draiv tu shaer this defishunsee wif ebrywun else. Reddily aidentifaid bai short repetitive crai, “Dis not funny!”

trollus trollisimus, aka the “trollier-than-thou” troll
(preeviyuslee categorized as Trollerus Troglodytus Superioritus Egotus)
The troll’s troll, a troll hoo can owt-troll enneewun, enneetyme, enneewear.

==========

Uvver Troll Informashun Rezorsis
Plz tu inform if yu iz knowing uv uvvers, oar credit iz missing

Gremlin’s Slightly Amended Troll Taxonomy
(fankies tu Gremlin, cweenmj, JanetCanHas4Kittehs, lolcatburglar)
1. Da “dis not funny” troll.
2. Da “don’ do dis wif yor poor kitty!” troll (aka caretroll)
3. Da “poyntz takin awai” troll
4. Da “photoshopped!” troll
5. Da “I hatez yor polittical vyewz an I despizes yor wai ov puttin things” troll
6. Da “yew tawkz beh-beh tawk; gidda reel lief!” troll
7. Da “I sawr dis pishoor befoar (inna WalMart/kard shop, on dis site, etc. etc.)” troll
8. Da “ebberybuddee alreddee sedded it 10 timex but I’m not gunna reed ennyfing but I’ll post it wun moar time!” troll
9. Da “wai ar yoo cawling tehm ’sumthing’ wen tehy ar cleerlee ’sumthing else’” troll10.Da “wun burger” troll (vry simular to “poyntz takin awai” troll)
11. Da “trollier than thou” troll (aka Trollerus Troglodytus Superioritus Egotus) a troll hoo can owt-troll enneewun, enneetyme, enneewear.
12. Da “Freedum uv deh speeking dere mind but ur pinyun not b nesissairee” troll.

———-

JD’s Kwik Troll Identification Form
Tick boxes az appropriate.
.
[] Iz troll improperly bathed adn dressed?
[] Duz troll’s teef stink?
.
Duz troll hab:
[] Troll (Visitor) ore
[] Troll (Natib) ID badge?
.
Iffen suspected tu be a caretroll, duz troll hab:
.
[] nawtk sekkond aid
[] nawt sekkond kool-aid
[] CHRG coopons
[] season tikkits fore teh nawty barn
.
Iffen suspected tu be an angrytroll, duz troll hab:
.
[] 13 dwarbes adn a hobbit
[] a goggie standing ober dem
[] teh appeerence ob beeing a goggie
.
Duz troll attack:
.
[] Memes
[] Mimes
[] Momes
[] Mumes
.
Tick the wun teh troll reacks tu by running rownd in small circles:
.
[] Catnip (den it’s a kitteh)
[] Aniseed (den it’s a goggie)
[] Choklit (den it’s at leest hoomin)
[] Acorn oil (it’s a sqwirril!)

27 Comments

  1. GRATE!!! But um… I donut unnerstand teh last kwestion. Dere r skwrrrl trolls now???
    *shiver*

  2. *Claps floofy paws fer Prysm adn JCH4K* Well dun!!

    Wut aboot teh ‘l33t speek’ troll?

  3. Eggsalad jawb, Prysm & frendz!

  4. Brava! This is both super AND duper!

    Onliest thing is *lower lip wobbles* I halped wif teh slightly amended troll taxonomy, and even comed up wif that name. Plz to not stealing my credits! (Oh, teh ironies.)

  5. Phillipe d'Beaker

    This tax o’nomy of teh trolls represents a hyooge step forward in trollolology. No trollwatcher shud be wifout it. The name ob Prysmcat must be added to teh list wif Peterson, Robbins, Sibley, and teh otter great field guide writers, fer contribushuns to teh study of teh nature.
    .
    Phillipe d’Beaker
    d’Beaker Laboratories

  6. Brava!! U haz advanced deh sigh entz uv trolling.

  7. Ai wud lyke tu suggestest dat teh cheklist be extendibled tu cober moar ob teh types ob troll seen. Dat wai, feeld obserbers will hab an eezier thyme ob troll classifikashun.

  8. Sqrrrlgrl: Yes der aer sqwirrol trolls, wich iz shortund to scrolls. Der uzed tu be lawts ob scrolls in lybraries adn obber playses wib nuts. Scrolls aer teh wuns wu rote stuff on teh cobbers.

  9. So, whu be gunna write this eggstended cheklist? *grin*

  10. Well dun, awl y’awl. And berry berry clebber. Ai stand in awe (awwww!)

  11. You need to new type. They don’t show up often (but did today). The “this picture is copywrited and you can’t cap it” troll, and/or “was this pic attributed correctly”. Could be considered a variant of the “seen it already” troll.

  12. finallee! nao ai can yoose dis to figger aowt wut troll iz wut!

    fankyoo!

  13. W00t, w00t! Ai wil show dis to mai dad, he lubs Latin!

  14. Very helpfull, t’ankey. :)

  15. Fanku fanku. Teh unnerbridjes be ful wif trollz an dey iz lukin foar teh nu hoems. Dis be moas halpfil foar idintfyin purrposez. Awsum jawb ebrywun.

  16. oh deer, iz troll contajus? ai had a sperience wiff troll #6…did ai become troll
    #12? i hoep not! the ‘conversashun’ is fownd here:
    http://mine.icanhascheezburger.com/view.aspx?ciid=1215005

  17. A thorough and thoroughly enjoyable treatise on Trolls, ‘The Lolcats Field Guide to the Trolls of Cheezland’. I’d be interested in learning about your field work, did you follow the James Audubon model and simply shoot a few of each for later study or did you go the Jane Goodall route and live with the trolls while studying them?

  18. Bravissima Prysma!! :D

    She uzez a modifimifyd bershun ob teh Audubon mohdell; U shhot teh trolls, but wit a kamera, nawt a gun. Iz mush moar embiron mentalee frendlee, esp wit a rayr speesheez!

  19. Dey sez tew “Learnz new fing eberydai” sew nao ai can sez ai hez an meen et! Vebi edumacashunal. Tew tums upp!

  20. diz new engrish

  21. Fanks,now I know how not to act. Somefings I didn’t know. I will come back and read and learn some more.

  22. Fankies, all! Conga rats on aidentifaiying menny typez of annoiying trolls! Iz verry helpfull list!

  23. Old!
    And clearly shopped.

  24. Fankyu fur dis!! Ai b book markn dis fur furder refrin.. reffren… fur to yoos latr.

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